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♣ The name's Zanny... which means adventurous, crazy...
♣ Still considering what permanent job I want for the rest of my life.
♣ Loves: Wolves, dogs, MY cello, looking at clouds, My family and... you know who you are.
♣ Hates: Backstabbers? people who talk without using their brains first? you get the point.
♣ Dreams of: Having a 9-5 job that pays well. Have my own house where i can provide a living heaven for my dogs. Live a peaceful life with those i hold dear to. Have a family. Die peacefully.
♣ I'm just an ordinary girl, living in a extraordinary world. Longing for time to myself where i can just sit down with my dogs by my side, sipping tea and looking at the clouds drift by.
♣ I hate pain and am really sensitive to pain. Hates people randomly slapping me, I don't care whether it's a light pat or a tight slap.
♣ I'm very anti social and hates the effort of reconnecting with people. It doesn't mean I don't care or I've forgotten them though... Just call me and i WILL be there for you.
♣ It's just that, It hurts to know that there's a distance and we won't be as close as we used to. Sigh, I really wish college could last forever. I had my closest high school friends as my housemates and i found the best friends i could only dream of. And i found you.
♣ I think too much. I wake up from my dreams crying sometimes. Sometimes because of a friend. Might be my family or even you. I cry and get depressed when I'm drunk. I'm just weird. sorry.
♣♣ Like an instrument for a song
- Like the sun for tomorrow's dawn
- Every moment of time's just an answer to find
- What you're here for, what you breathe for
- What you wake for, What you bleed for.
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Friday, August 26, 2011
, 10:21:00 AM
⇨And i know I make you frustrated by saying the same things over and over again.
And yet i try to act mature and try not to say those same things over and over again. And i end up making a big black hole inside of me. It's like a mute trying to scream. A deaf trying to hear.
It's im-bearable. And then i think to myself, How do you do this with such ease?
I think of them everyday. The "what if's". The "why not's". Those "should have's".
Then i snap, and i end up in the situation where I'm drunk or I'm not able to hold in anymore.
And i blurt them out. And i slowly see you getting hurt, then sad, then annoyed.
It's like a circle. It just goes round and round and on and on.
Then I start thinking more. When, how, what, when, why, who?
More and more scenarios. more and more possibilities. More and more uncertainties.
And the cycle begins again.
And then in those rare occasions where I just had enough of thinking and decide to blank off, not think of anything and just stare at those white clouds passing by, it hits me. Why? Why do i do this to you and me. And then i realize. I'm the cause of all this. I constantly choose to think of what will be, what should have been. And i wished and wished that if it would all start again I'd leave you alone.
You would be better without something like me.